...and it is a religious wedding service for people I loathe and despise with guests I loathe and despise, in a religious denomination I have no time for, at the behest of MY MOTHER.

Now, mum bribed me to go to this wedding. It's her friend, and she wanted to suss it out b.c she was curious. That's fine. However. HOWEVER! She did not tell me some very important elements of this wedding!

1. I was the youngest there by FIFTEEN YEARS!
2. It was in a very conservative church!
3. The only people I knew are people I loathe and despise!

So. We get to the church. My first reaction is "Oh my god. I am in hell. HELL HELL HELL."

I see mum's lovely friend, J, and say to mum, "oh we should sit with J and her husband seeing as they are waving at you and all..." and she's like "What? Oh!" *shakes head*

The wedding service is...tedious. I find myself gazing at the ceiling. Mum asks me how I'm doing.
Mum: You all right there?
Me: *gritted teeth* Sure.
Mum: Really?
Me: The curtains are nice. They'd make a lovely Renaissance gown.
Mum: Ah ha.
Me: And the candelabras are quite lovely.
Mum: I'm quite partial to the crucifixes myself.
Me: BOO HISS! I mean, how lovely.

And later...
Mum: Why are you not singing or saying amen?
Me: Apart from the fact that I do not know these hymns, I am repulsed beyond words and feel silence is better than vitriol.
Mum: Ah ha.

Service ends. I repress my cheer. We go outside for a smoke.
Me: I want a cigarette. Is that going to be a problem?
Mum: Er...is it a problem if it is a problem?
Me: Yes.
Mum: Ah ha.

So I smoke. Mum's delightful friend and her hubby make the *barest* minimum of conversation required to be polite. Please bare in mind that if it were not for me, those two would never have met, let alone got together and got married, for it was *I*, not they, who set them up. Grrr.
J: So how are you Star? It's been ages since I've seen you.
Me: Well, given that you loathe and despise me, that would follow.
J: Ah...right.
Me: Lovely weather we're having. (It is pouring with rain at this juncture)
L (hubby): I didn't know you smoked.
Me: Everything smokes if you burn it for long enough.

We go to the reception. By this time, I am verging on enraged. Mum and I sit outside zee very posh hotel to have another smoke.
Mum: Er...you don't have to stay if you don't want to.
Me: I was planning on leaving directly.
Mum: Ah ha.
Me: So let me get this straight. You spent money on a gift for a person you loathe to go to the wedding of said person and you are still here why?
Mum: You don't have to put it like that, it sounds...wrong.
Me: I tell it like I see it. Explain this paradox to me.
Mum: Um...it was an afternoon out?
Me: Dude. You could've come to my place and watched videos. There's your afternoon out.

And...
Mum: You're in fine form this afternoon, Star.
Me: Contempt is a powerful seasoning for one's words, and I am seasoning liberally.

Go back into the hotel. Go up to the Boulevard Room. I freak out.
Me: I'm going. I am so NOT a wedding person.
Mum: I'm so sorry I dragged you here.
Me: Pish. I should've been honest rather than try and weasle my way out of it.
J: Are you leaving?
Me: Regretably yes, for I fear that I am getting a headache.
L: It was lovely to see you again.
me: Sure.

I leave.

I get out of the hotel, call one of my friends and leave a message along the following lines: "I am in hell. No, I have left hell and am heading home. I will see you soon. I am very pissed off. Bye!"

Get to the bus stop, ring minnie13 who proceeds to laugh at me.

Moral: I hate weddings.

Questions? Comments? Wanna stroke my ego? Then e-mail me.