A few years ago now, a friend sent me a box of stuff from the US, which was very kind of her. In said box were some Babylon 5 toys, some Twinkies and some CD-R’s. Not really all that much to freak out about, you’d think.

However, this was not long after 9/11 and a spate of random sending suspicious white powders through the mail, so every parcel larger than an ordinary letter was opened no matter what. My box containing said items was one of them. Which, again, is not really that much to freak out about, considering that nothing in that list of contents is really cause for alarm.

So, I received my box from the nice postal man, covered in its bright yellow ‘opened for inspection by quarantine’ stickers and went about my business, being, of course, opening said box. Because I wanted to eat my Twinkies and play with the toys. And watch the CD-R’s.

Once the box was opened, imagine my surprise to see the CD-R’s sitting on top of the contents, on top of the foam packaging stuff. Clearly, these had been the things that customs had been looking askance at, and as I pulled them out of the box, I could see why.

I’ve kept the covers of these CD-R’s, so I can copy verbatim now what was written on them.

Twinks. HOT HOT. Auto Felatio. Soft Gay Porn. Best of Boys in Love – We Like ‘Em Hard. XXX. Pirate – The Two Towers. Threeway Boy Action – HOT XXX. Martin Csokas – Celeborn Porn – Soft Gay Porn.

Not written in small writing, mind, no. In large, bold, black texta. All over the disc, the disc covers, and the disc paper inserts. This was what Customs had been looking at. Clearly, they thought I was importing illegal hardcore gay porn and pirated movies into Australia. A nice little brochure from Customs was also in the box, about what was permissible to be sent through the mail. And with that, a leaflet with what constitutes hardcore porn in this country. Naturally, I was quite shocked. And also quite freaked out that Customs had opened my box and perused my porn, which had labelling on it big enough to read and understood by a blind fruit bat.

Now, bare in mind the timing. 9/11. Terrorism alerts are high. This is a few months after all that, but everything is still on high alert. And customs are watching me for importing hardcore gay porn into Australia.

Ever since then, boxes of a size larger than 12”x7” addressed to me have been opened and checked. Customs is keeping an eye on me and my alleged porn importing. Because, clearly, I am a Big Threat to the morality of this country. Or something.

Questions? Comments? Wanna stroke my ego? Then e-mail me.